“Hello, this is the driver speaking. I am the captain of your train, and we will be departing shortly. We will be cruising at an altitude of approximatley zero feet, and our scheduled arrival in Morden is 3:15pm. The temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees celcius, and Morden is in the same time zone at Mill Hill East, so there is no need to adjust your watches.”
“Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open’. The two are disctinct and separate instructions.”
“To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of ‘Stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?”
Jubilee Line (while stuck in a tunnel):
“Well, ladies and gentlemen, I’m pleased to tell you it’s a lovely sunny day outside. But of course you wouldn’t know that, because you’re sitting in the dark.”
Waterloo & City Line:
“Well, ladies and gentlemen. I can see a light in front of me which I think is probably Bank station, so that’s good, isn’t it? But I personally was hoping for Calais. Perhaps next time eh?”
Got to love the London Underground drivers!